TO: City of Fresno Permits Office
TO: City of Fresno Permits Office
RE: Addition to Garage for Workshop
Thank you for taking the time to review my application for a building permit to add to my house. An Existing Structure Addition Permit is attached with contractor credentials as well as signed notifications from all impacted neighbors that they are aware of the planned addition and have no problem with the proposed extension. I will be using this extension to continue my work on dark matter energy trapping, an area in which I have a master’s degree from CSU, Fresno, and am seeking a doctorate from this same institution.
Thank you,
Jonathan Libertine
TO: Jonathan Libertine
RE: Approval for Garage Workshop
We have approved your application for an extension to your existing structure. When completed, an inspector will arrange a time to ensure that the building meets state and local building codes. Attached is a PDF of those codes for your reference.
Thank you,
Laney Willamette
Fresno Permits Office
TO: City of Fresno Permits Office
RE: Equipment Installation
I am needing to install a dark matter collection and conversion rig to the roof of my recently built and inspected extension. The purpose of the device is to collect dark matter and then convert that gravitational mass into energy. The rig is about the size of a standard trampoline and made of a hypothetical axionic attraction material created in an MIT laboratory. While the device does not technically require a permit, the experimental nature and the size of the device would attract attention, and a permit would help defuse any potential legal complications.
Thank you,
Jonathan Libertine
TO: Jonathan Libertine
RE: Temporary Approval of Experimental Dark Matter Collection Device
Our office has looked over the schematics of the proposed device and can see no legal or safety reason to deny a permit for such a device. Our electrician was impressed with the proposed surge protector for the device, a method he says he has never seen before. As for the proposed use for such a device, given that our scientific connections have advised us that dark matter is still theoretical and that a backyard device of fabric and wires will do nothing more than cost the owner of the house in their electric bill, we are approving the permit with the provision that any future information or evidence that such a device is not safe or legal will lead to this office rescinding the permit. Best of luck in your experiments.
Thank you,
Laney Willamette
Fresno Permits Office
TO: Jonathan Libertine
RE: Troubling Reports of Power Surges
We are trying for the third time to contact you about reports from Pacific Electric that your residence has been surging power back into the power grid. Our worry is that the power surges could potentially lead to outages if they exceed the limitations of the grid. Our electrician has said, given the design of the built-in surge protector, that these surges shouldn’t be happening without intense energy creation exceeding the output of enough solar panels to fit on the roofs of a hundred homes. Our inspectors are requesting access to your extension and device to assure the safety of the equipment and that it is all up to code.
Thank you,
Laney Willamette
Fresno Permits Office
TO: City of Fresno Permits Office
RE: Installation of Energy Collection and Large-Scale Surge Protection Device
Thank you for your previous correspondence. As it turns out, while the existence and composition of dark matter had hitherto been unknown, it is now no longer theoretical. Very much not theoretical. My equipment has managed to transfer the gravitational energy of dark matter particles into electrical energy. I expect a Nobel Prize when my research is finalized. Until then, I need to install a device to collect and manage the power created in the conversion process. Schematics, as always, are attached, but, given the sensitive nature of the research, I beg of you not to share with anyone other than your astute electrician.
Thank you,
Jonathan Libertine
TO: Jonathan Libertine
RE: Concerns With Device
Alfonz Rubio, our electrical expert, has some serious concerns about the device you’re planning on installing. He worries that, given the schematics, this device will be handling levels of electrical current previously unheard of outside of nuclear engineering. If this is the case, it does not appear to be a safe endeavor in a residential neighborhood for a civilian who has no experience in electrical grid management. According to our official local and state guidelines, unless we have confirmed or diagnosable safety violations, we are unfortunately legally required to approve your permit. We ask that you work with trained contractors. Our science consultant has indicated that he has major doubts about your findings and hopes that you are following basic science safety and ethics.
Thank you,
Laney Willamette
Fresno Permits Office
TO: City of Fresno Permits Office
RE: Permit to Rebuild Home
We are requesting a permit to rebuild our previously destroyed home. While our insurance has not agreed to fund the rebuild given the cause of the destruction, we have sold the plans Johnny had been working on to scientists at MIT who assure us that Johnny’s creation of a dark matter conversion device will change the world. We also want to let you know that we do not hold it personally against you that you allowed an inexperienced 23 year old to legally access the electrical grid, build experimental devices on our home while we were on vacation, and then install untested and dubious electrical storage devices that your own electrician admitted seemed more at home in a nuclear reactor than a residential neighborhood. He might have blown himself, our house, and three of our neighbors’ houses to smithereens, but you did compliment his surge protector, so it all evens out, right?
Thank you,
Douglas and Pamela Libertine
About the author:
Josh Franklin is a writer and high school English teacher living in Joplin, MO with his wife and their three curly-headed daughters. Before teaching, he was an IT in the Navy where he was stationed in Italy and Washington State, a cook, a valet, an ice cream scooper, and a janitor. After discovering a job where he’d get paid to talk about reading and writing, he jumped at the chance, got his degree from Mizzou at the behest of his wife, and hasn’t looked back. This is Josh’s first publication.
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