WDGO Transcript: March 17, 2019, 9:01 AM
MAX MONSTRO, HOST: Hey, hey, hey! You’re listening to 93.7, WDGO, the Wendigo!
(MONSTER SNARLING SOUND EFFECT)
MONSTRO: Pine Bluff’s only home for classic rock! It’s nine in the morning on this beautiful Saint Patrick’s Day, and that means it’s time for Monster in the Morning with me, Max Monstro!
(DIFFERENT MONSTER SNARLING SOUND EFFECT)
MONSTRO: Loving this new soundboard. Anyway, I’ve got a special treat to get your Saint Paddy’s off right. I’ve got two tickets to the Steve Miller Band’s show at the Arkansas Music Pavilion on June 16…
(MUSIC SAMPLE FROM EDDIE MONEY’S “TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE”)
MONSTRO: … and I’m giving them away! Now, normally I don’t do the giveaway until later in the show, but since it’s Saint Patrick’s Day, I thought we’d do it while some of you are still sober out there.
(“SIMPSONS” SOUND CLIP, BARNEY GUMBLE FALLING DOWN DRUNK)
MONSTRO: So, if you can answer today’s Monstro-sized trivia question, you get two tickets to the Steve Miller Band! Call us at (REDACTED). Lucky caller number seven gets the first shot at those tickets. Call now! The lines are open!
(GUNS N’ ROSES’ “WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE” PLAYS IN ENTIRETY)
MONSTRO: Alright, we’ve got a caller! What’s your name?
CALLER: For what purpose have you summoned me?
MONSTRO: You’re lucky caller number seven! If you can answer today’s trivia question, you and a friend are going to see the Steve Miller Band.
CALLER: You have summoned me in the ancient call of my kind.
(CALLER SNARLS, REPEATING PATTERN OF BOTH MONSTER SOUND EFFECTS)
CALLER: I will honor the covenant. Why do you rouse me from my slumber?
MONSTRO: (LAUGH) I see we’ve got a real fan of the show here. Okay, here’s today’s Monstro-sized trivia question: Formally adopted in 1995, what is the official Arkansas state nickname?
CALLER: Yours is a realm of fetid decadence. I strain against the chains which bind me to your kind, but they hold fast. For now.
MONSTRO: I’m sorry, the answer I was looking for is “The Natural State.” Arkansas, the Natural State.
CALLER: There is nothing natural about your state. Your kind have dug deep into our soil, stained fingers pulling stone from our homes to craft your gleaming cities. Your monuments to our desecration. Your chapels of debauchery.
MONSTRO: So you’ve been to the Arkansas Music Pavilion before.
CALLER: You summon me to toy with me, to play games with my kind as you play games with the world. Dolls to be broken in your cruel grasp.
MONSTRO: Hey, don’t take it so hard. Everybody’s a winner on Monster in the Morning! How about–
CALLER: The chains of the covenant bend. Crack. Weaken. One day soon they shall break, and you shall break with them.
MONSTRO: Come on, buddy. It’s a bit. You get the tickets even if you get the question wrong.
CALLER: I shall dream of your destruction until dreams themselves are no more. Your disrespect only hastens your doom.
MONSTRO: Sounds like somebody started Saint Patrick’s day a little early.
(“SIMPSONS” SOUND CLIP, BARNEY GUMBLE FALLING DOWN DRUNK)
CALLER: The covenant weakens! The time of the cleansing shadow nears!
(OMINOUS RUMBLING)
MONSTRO: Uh… Bear with us, folks… We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
(SOUNDS OF FURNITURE TOPPLING, GLASS BREAKING)
CALLER: (UNINTELLIGIBLE)
MONSTRO: Turn the lights–
(LOUD CRASHING)
CALLER: You reap the harvest sown by your avaricious seeds.
MONSTRO: Wait, are you doing this? How are–
(DOOR SLAMMING, PRODUCTION STAFF SCREAMING)
MONSTRO: Hold on, hold on! I’ve got four more tickets to the Steve Miller Band show! You can have all of them! Six tickets! Just, just stop whatever the hell you’re doing!
(RUMBLING FADES)
CALLER: This offering is… acceptable.
(RUMBLING STOPS)
CALLER: The covenant is renewed.
MONSTRO: Good! Good. Stay on the line. Our station manager will get you set up with those tickets.
(DEAD AIR, SEVENTEEN SECONDS)
MONSTRO: Sorry about that, folks. Okay, uhm, that’s all for today’s giveaways. But don’t go anywhere! We’ve got a twenty minute block of uninterrupted classic rock, coming right up! You’re listening to 93.7 WDGO, the Wendigo!
(MONSTER SNARLING SOUND EFFECT BEGINS TO PLAY, IS CUT OFF ABRUPTLY)
MONSTRO: Going to have to change up the soundboard.
(AC/DC’S “DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRT CHEAP” BEGINS TO PLAY)
MONSTRO: (DISTANT, OFF-MIC) Steve Miller Band fans, man. They’re the worst.
About the author:
Douglas DiCicco is an author of speculative fiction living in Clovis, California. He has worked as an attorney, a teacher, and a renaissance faire performer. Follow on Twitter @CiccoDouglas
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